Embrace the Fear

I sit here, alone, in my house entirely aware that the Sarah of 2019 being alone would have been an upheaval of negative thoughts, throat tightening sensations and pure fear. Today, I sit here, so emotionally removed that I am drawn to paper in pride of myself and the bliss being had in my empty house.

So why the fear and panic in the past. When now the feeling of being alone in an empty house brings gratitude where not being alone in the wrong house brought fear still. Even when holding on to the wrong person - our grip remains firm. Perhaps it's cliche and I admit, overly extreme in this situation but "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't," the partnered you is known, the alone you is full of uncertainty. This person next to me knows my fear, this person next to me is a constant, I don't have to sit here and explain or ask for help - I can just be: although just being is a state of fear, it's one I have now become accustomed with. Is this state of fearful awareness living, is just being thriving? Being is allowing those fears to sit, to fester, to hold you in place because it's safe there, it's safe there and you don't have to explain, you don't have to wonder what else because you have already lived amongst the unhappiness and the panic for so long.

But I challenge you, what if the fear, what if the panic, the thinking that consistency is safety is actually our mind telling us to run. Telling you to panic because you are stuck. And eventually will the panic make you uncomfortable enough that you will be willing to change your environment because you are so sick of the fear that the challenge of the unknown eventually becomes manageable because how can life get any worse?

Fear is convoluted, it's irrational at times and thoroughly complicated. Sitting with fear instead of running away from it can hold more answers than we can ever understand. We are so programmed to avoid fear that no part of us wants to allow it in and understand why but in this case the fear was leading me to a better life. Vulnerability and having to explain yourself, even when unsure of what is happening can actually give life to these feelings and help you manifest an understanding and a plan. I sit here, as proof, that fear can be more than a negative emotion we run from, it can be a beacon towards something better. And hopefully, one day, that moment when the house is empty and you feel safe, you too find comfort in this page and your thoughts and know that you can handle the unknown.